Flow

august has been a rough month - i hope it doesn’t carry on into september, because i am not so sure i can handle it - then again i have an 8 year old cousin battling cancer, he makes me feel like i can handle anything and everything, actually he doesn’t make me feel that - he remindsssss me that i can handle anything and everything, because even when i feel l like i hit rock bottom, the rocks can always move outa the way and there is always more distance to fall - so i’m good, and i’m blessed, and oh school started - and gma knows i’m gay - and i’m hoping i won’t be homeless soon, and yikes… this list can go on

lately i’ve been in a partying/drinking/dancing mood - because it completely numbs me to anything else, and all i can feel is the music, i can’t hear anything but the music, and i can’t taste anything but the liquor, not a thing matters - and august will NOT get the best of me when i’m dancing, fuck august - but i guess i will thank it, eventually - for it has made me stronger, every sucker punch it has thrown my way, i have grown to be stronger.

but still, please do not carry on to september, or else i just may hibernate till october.

today i thought - what if i bought a one way ticket to Greece, but before that i would learn how to say/write “i am here, looking to feel new, help me - i will work, and appreciate your culture - help me” and my dream is that someone will see me and take me to a little village where i can work and stay… and i can forget that i once lived in a beautiful city called New York… because only then will i appreciate it - when it is gone…and i will return happier than ever, because of my experiences and because i know that i am home… sometimes i don’t know about you, New York. sighs

homework time bitches.

does this anger anyone else…

I looked up “word” today, and it is defined as “something that is said”

I looked it up because I wasn’t finding “love” quite enough, sappy yes? Indeed!

But if a word is something that is said, then what is something that is felt?

Love…is for pussies

So when you go to describe your love for someone, it is better to come in vowels.

This is a poem i wrote, called Vowels (which is one word, yes i know this, and this poem has to be spoken, not read or it will just not sound toooo right)

Websters says, a word is…

“Something that is said”, so my feelings for you are something that is said? and the stomach flutter on a roller coaster is something that is said?

well bid me allergic to words, to be free to describe the better things in life with the repeated vowels of which i adore….ooooooh aaaaaahh

she gives me more to fill the 33 lines of wide ruled white and blue paper to…

place letters to represent feelings to…

describe my love

to get through to her

to open her eyes to help open her heart

to feel.

because i don’t want to give her words if they are just something that is said…

what you give me is the inhalation of air that equals a gasp that travels through my body that fills my lungs so that my heart can beat…to the drum that yours beats to…booom boom boom boom

so tell me, do you feel my vowels?

and you are my exhaling relief at the beginning and end of each day that sounds like AEIOU and sometimes this why i ooooooooooh youuu

So take that Websters, because you don’t know shiiiiiiiiiitttt

Shiiiiiiittt with ten I’s, now feel my vowels in the shit that comes outa my mouth

and the shit that is used to describe that person you despise!

piece of shiiiiiiit.

so i hate words but love poetry because one word alone doesn’t cut it, but my combined, intertwined, perfectly aligned grind of vowels and words solves my problem.

problem, oh yeah…i forgot, love is one word - so listen as i serenade you in the fruit of vowels of O for orange and A for apple and U for ummmm, yeah

i am in…not love, but

in a place where although it is the city that never sleeps, the tones detone themselves so that all that speaks is the thump of your heart hear it now - pitter patter through the sheets combined intertwined perfectly aligned grind of you and I and boom boom, boom boom…

i am in…not love, but

in the sand with the ocean tapping at my feet, in a bed with silk sheets next to you next to i next to us as we lye, and i am in the shine of the moon light as it glitters upon your face sprinkled with grace as we embrace…i’m not in love, but in heaven…not the word but the place.

Websters has not come up with a word for the screams in ears on 9/11, because the combined, intertwined, perfectly aligned … crying

is simply unwordable, because no word can describe the feeling of defeat…

THUMP…BOOM

just like your heart when we slept under the night sky, nothing but boom boom, boom boom…the rattle of the AC and the in and out whistle of air from your mouth…

how now i wish to be the air that journey’s in and travels to the corners of your body…i wish to be next to the sound of us…beating boom boom, boom boom

hear my vowels now.

graciouswords:

Perhaps it’s the way your

Eyes exude a radiant warmth and

Reflects an inner beauty so pure it

Fails to see the imperfections

Ever present in this life.

Could it be that you are

Truly heaven sent? Of one thing

I am sure. 

On this earth there is

No other quite like you.

Have you ever really heard what you are singing to a song - because I am singing all the wrong words, I’m saying the ones that SOUND like the right words… for example:

“Relax, don’t do it, when you gonna get through it, relax don’t do it when yah wanna goo” - now let me type this into google to get the real words…

RIGHT: Relax, don’t do it, when you want to go to it

anyways, if earthquake and hurricane in the same week, yikes - and if the thought was that the world was going to come to an end, i hope you guys had a great last night alive, because I surely sat home watching the trees blow…but it wasn’t boring, I kind of pretended that it was in fact going to end the next day.  I thought about my life, the people I’ve met, the people I know but don’t KNOWW, thought about the babies that are babies, the kids that are kids, thought about family, school - which well… if the world is gonna end in 2012 then we basically wasted money in school for no reason, wonderful :) ! You think about the countless hours spent on a treadmill in a gym, or the time spent worshiping the Porcelain Goddess, and of course the time spent on FB, or updating your Tumblr… which I have failed to do so… or about the fights, broken cell phones (which i swear is a rich people thing because no matter how mad i get, you will never find me throwing my cell across the room, or accidentally dropping it in the toilet)! the lies told, i wish that woulda been something i counted…when i was a kid i stole a candy and my mother made me took it back… I guess it taught me a good lesson, but man why didn’t she just bye me the candy from the jump! ;) think about the number of times we have said “cheeeseee” in a photo, for which i still do not get, and the number of times we have peed in the public pools. How many minutes were spent in the principals office in middle school for my short skirts and low V neck shirts… which i still think they had it out for me - if my mother let me walk outa the house, what makes you think you can say something! what about the mothers who kill their babies, and fathers who beat their wives, or the baseketball and baseball players who make 10x or 20x the amount a police officer makes a year… and we have our priorities straight! right? no… what about 9/11 or the Virginia Tech Shooting, the fact that gay marriage is banned in some states, and that the KKK still exists… life is crazy

so the list can go on and on, but today is the first day of class - first day of my last semester in college, 2 online classes and one in school last - bring it onnnn life! 

welcome back meeee

hmmm just wrote a whole blog about graduation and it all got deleted… fuck this going to sleep! i’ll write my exciting story tomorrow :) 

i had to remind myself to breathe ez today… and to be thankful, because you never know what is going on around you, in other peoples lives… i’m thankful - very thankful, and happy… i’m blessed - ah i guess lol god is a difficult subject yah know… but i’ll save that to the next blog, i’m pooped and i miss softball

thankfully i know deep down, softball misses me too :)