Flow

sooo the trains are a mess… and ok I did come home later than i said i would… but jesus would everyone shut up… i guess this is what i get for living with my grandmother instead of dorming… this is what i get for trying to save some money… i get:

• calling all the time asking where i am
• phone calls from my mom asking why i am wearing a short & tight dress to go to the club (which was told to her right when i left the house by my grandmother)
• can’t have many people over
• can’t be loud
• and worst of all… i can’t be myself

I have to respect my grandmother, and i understand that, so i try to go out and come home late as little as possible.  My mom constantly questions where I am, where i’m going and what i am doing… and its impossible to say “yeah i’m home just watching tv” because of course my grandmother would be able to confirm or deny it… So from time to time i remind my mom, that if i was in a regular college campus setting…she would not know if i was sleeping in my bed 7 days a week, or sleeping in 7 guys’ bed 7 days a week… i feel like i’m still in high school

well just got home from the “library” (aka my gf’s house) and my gma comes out and says OH NOW U WANNA GET HOME, and i throw in a lie or two here and there about the train getting stuck and stuff… yeah it was wrong, but its a Saturday night, can i go out in peace?

and with my mom, well… she knows i have a gf but doesn’t want to acknowledge it.  So when she says where are you going tonight, I make up a lie.  Thats all i do these days… is lie lie lie… i lie because if i don’t then i cant be myself…

want to know what makes me so sad about loving a woman:

i don’t always receive the support and love from the ones around me… meaning family/friends.  Thus, like in my situation, it is nearly impossible to bring together the two loves in my life and be happy with them both…my girlfriend & my family :( So i leave to MD and live that life there, wishing that one day I will bring her down and show her my home town… drive to my high school and show her my home that i grew up in…Recently, I went to a baby shower of my gf’s cousin… the whole family was there and we had to walk around pretending like we were friends, barely.  So i sat, and soaked up yet another occasion where I have to deny myself and my love and the life i live…and it sucks.  It sucks to see someone bring in their boyfriend and introduce him, dance, hold hands, and have a great time with both their family and their bf…. Now of course i could completely be open with my family, but my mom has made it pretty clear that i would be out on the street if i did that… and that, hurts… So when i graduate and begin to work, first thing i am doing is moving out… saving to move so i can finally be me.  

i don’t remember what the point of this was since i’ve rambled so much, but its been a kinda hard night… & at night before i go to sleep, i think to myself that one day i will be able to have all the people that matter to me… in one room.  I won’t have to live two lives or deny anyone… and that day, i will be happy, but for now i guess i will have to continue living my two lives…